Me – “What are you talking Di. Why would I act? And for what?”
Di – “Why were you running away now?”
Me – “Why would I run away? From whom?”
Di – “I know you. Don’t try to fool me”
Me – “I am not able to understand. What are you talking about?”
Di – “Why were you hiding away from me now?”
Me – “No Di. I didn’t notice you. I just got a big project. So I was checking the details of it”
Di – “I saw you walking in sometime back, checking me at times. But you were occupied with your clients. So I thought I will meet you after your discussion and here you are, running away from me”
Me – “No Di. I didn’t know you were here. Why would I walk away from you?”
Di – “You should know that!”
Me – “There is nothing as such. I was just excited about the project and so did not focus on anything else”
Di – “Ok.. then tell me why didn’t you pick my calls. I have been trying for a month”
Me – “No Di, I was just busy with my office work”
Di – “So busy that you couldn’t call just once in a whole month?”
Me – “Hmmm.. I was just…”
Di – “Just stop covering yourself. I know there’s something wrong with you”
Me – “No Di, there is nothing”
Di – “Even I thought so when you were not picking my calls. But now after seeing you running away, I can join the dots.”
Me – “No… Really… I am not running away”
Few of the people, including my superiors, were staring at us already from a distance. They might not have been able to hear our conversation but they were startled, looking at the way we were talking. She looked at them and then turned towards me.
Di – “We need to talk. Let us go out and talk.”
I quickly went near my superiors and explained that she was my sister. They happily allowed me to have some time off with her. I thanked them and said I will join them soon and they left for the office.
Then I went back to her. She held my hand dragging me out of the banquet hall, towards the restaurant. She made me sit on a corner table and she sat opposite me.
Di – “Now tell me.”
Me – “Believe me. There’s no…”
Di – “Just stop it Manas… Just stop it.”
She stopped me. Her eyes were red with anger.
Di – “You know what. I waited for a week when you didn’t receive my calls but felt there was something wrong. I called Mom and she told me you were not well. I wanted to visit but Mom stopped me saying that you didn’t want me to know. Why?”
Me – “Oh! She did tell you then. I just did not want to make you worried. That is all”
Di – “OK fine… Let’s say this is true. Mom told that the doctor explained your fever was because of stress and tension. So what was causing that stress?”
Me – “Just office work.”
Di – “Oh come on Mannu. Your work did not start until recently. You told me that yourself when you visited us. Don’t try to fool me as you did with mom.”
I was at a loss of words. I struggled to find reasons to justify that.
Di – “Now, enough with your clever lies. I just want truths now. Speak out.”
Me – “What are you implying here! I did not understand.”
Di – “I am implying that you are behaving weird and avoiding me after our last meet. I can feel it. I just want to know what is the reason for it. Did I hurt you or ill-treat you?”
Me – “No Di… Of course not. You are the sweetest. You won’t even hurt your enemies. Why would you hurt me!”
Di – “Then what is the reason!”
Me – “I didn’t mean to avoid…”
Di – “Just truth!” (patting the table with her palm)
I realized there was no escape. I took a brief pause trying to think of ways to cope up with this. I knew she was clever enough to detect my lies. So finally I decided to tell her the truth.
I took a brief pause and looked at her. She was looking at me curiously.
Me – “Well… I… I’ve been getting these weird thoughts recently. That kept disturbing me”
Di – “Ok… What are those about? What does that have to do with me?”
Me – “Those thoughts were indeed about you.”
Di – “Oh!” and she bent her head down and started thinking…
Di – “I didn’t get you. What are those thoughts?”
Me – “I was… I was getting… thoughts… you know… sexual thoughts!”
Di – “What are you talking about! You mean you were getting sexual thoughts about me! Are you insane?”
Me – “Di… Slow down… I am already ashamed”
She was disappointed and angry. She held her head with her both palms. She took a pause and then looked at me.
Me – “I know…That is weird and wrong. But I couldn’t help it.”
Di – “You were weird before marriage. I knew and that made me furious then. But I convinced myself later thinking that might be a mistake and you might have learned from it.”
Me – “I know. What happened before marriage. It was out of limits. I learned from it. Really. That is why I did not want to make you upset again.”
Di – “But you won’t stop thinking that way. You are ready to run away from me but not from those thoughts. Really, Mannu?”
Me – “I tried. Trust me… It was hard. But I tried. Lately, some things happened and it kept disturbing me. I started getting weird dreams.”
Di – “Dreams?”
Me – “Yes. Dreams about you. Sometimes it was about doing various things to you. Sometimes it was just sleeping with you cuddled together. Sometimes it included more sexual acts. You know, touching you and feeling you. But all of them with you. That was the reason for my stress as well. I know it is wrong. But those thoughts are not easy to be brushed off, not when I keep meeting you. So I thought it is better to stay away than causing trouble, being with you.”
Di – “Is it that kiss? Which disturbed you?”
Me – “Hmmm, yes, I had been having these thoughts even before your marriage as you said. I tried to cope with them focusing on other stuff. But after the kiss, my focus was lost and it was hard to control”
Di – “Was that the same kind of dream? You know, when you were sleeping on the couch?”
I bent my head and nodded.
Di – “But I am your sister. How are you able to think about me that way!”
I had no answer. I kept silent.
Di – “I think I should not have kissed you. I think I have made a mistake. I didn’t know it will cause all this.”
Me – “Please. No. It is not your fault. I am a maniac. Lusting on my sister. I just have to be away from you, at least for a while and everything will be fine.”
Di – “Tell me one thing. You said you had these thoughts before my marriage. What did I do to trigger those thoughts? Was there something wrong with my behavior with you?”
Me – “No Di. Please don’t take it on yourself. I was stupid then. I am stupid now. You have nothing to do with it”
She was silent for a minute. Then she looked at me again.
Di – “So, why don’t you get married?”
Me – “Married! To whom?”
Di – “I don’t know. Juhi maybe.”
Me – “Di, I told you about her. How can I marry her?”
Di – “What about your colleague. She seemed to be a good match for you.”
Me – “Di. Stop. Marriage will not fix this. I don’t have feelings for them.”
Di – “You will get it. Once you get close with them. It will develop. If not them, it will start developing on someone else. I will ask Mom to start looking matches for you.”
Me – “No. I can’t trust any of them now. Not after what happened. It won’t work for me. Trust me.”
Di – “So what do we do? How to get rid of this?”
Me – “Even I thought about many options. But nothing will work.”
She kept silent.
Di – “Mannu. The thing is, I cannot stay away from you for long.”
Di – “After I slapped you. It was anger that kept me away. But after it reduced, I could not stay away from you. The day I was leaving you all after marriage, I felt that. After I left, I kept worrying about you. I know I can’t stay away even now. Now I don’t even have that anger to stop me”
Me – “I know Di. It is hard for me as well. But just let us stay away for a while. I will try to come out of it.”
She held her bag and started getting up.
Me – “Wait. Let me drop you”
Di – “No. It’s fine. I have an office cab. I will manage”
She started walking back. I felt strange. I felt my head feeling light after this weight was out. But I was not sure how to overcome the problem though. I told her confidently that I would.
A few months passed. And there was no change in my mind. Thoughts kept coming. I kept convincing myself that she was the one who took care of me and I shouldn’t do this to her but it only made me love her more instead.
We stayed away all these days. No calls even between us. My parents used to ask about it but I just used to convince them saying that I was busy with office work. But things used to get us together no matter how hard we tried.
There were functions, office meetings, or any other casual family get-togethers. One, or the other. I used to skip most of them pushing the blame on office work. But destiny was never content with that.
One late evening after office, Mom came to me hurriedly as I was just entering our home. She looked so happy.
Me – “What happened? You look so happy!”
Mom – “Yes there is good news. You are going to be an uncle.”
Me – “What! You mean Di is pregnant!”
Mom – “Yes dear ” (saying so she hugged me)
I hugged her back. I felt so happy that Di was going to experience the next stage of her life and that our family is going to get a new member.
Me – “How is she feeling now? This should be making her sick I guess.”
I asked her as she drew back.
Mom – “When did you start knowing all this stuff!”
I just smiled at her.
Mom – “Yes, she is in her second month already. So she has to go through some sickness. I have planned to bring her home so that I can take care of her.”
That statement shocked me. That means she is going to come home and stay with us. It would be horrible. Even I cannot use any excuses this time. I just wondered why this kept happening. Mom called Jiju and asked him to send her home so that she can take care of her.
Jiju was unwilling to leave her at this time but he knew she needed her mother more than him now. So he agreed to send her the coming weekend after Mom explained. Mom managed our business from home as Dad tried to handle it alone from the office.
I started thinking of options left. I decided that I will stay in a hotel room and will convince everyone that I have an office trip. So I booked a room and stayed there for a month and used to go to the office from there directly. But gradually my savings started taking a toll.
So I moved back home with no other option left. I reached home and Mom hugged me. I hugged her back. I was struggling hard not to think about Di but my eyes were already searching for her.
Mom – “Go and meet your Di. She is in your room. She would be happy to see you”
Me in my mind- “I don’t think so mom.”
I slowly entered our room and mom followed me. There she was, lying on the bed and working on her laptop. She looked at me and her eyes lit. But she lowered her eyes for a moment thinking and looked at me back.
She got up, moved towards me, and hugged me. She was not too close to my body. She just circled her arms around me for a second and moved back.
Me – “I am good too. How are you feeling now? Do you feel sick?”
Di – “No. It was only in the initial month or two. Now I am good. Mom is there for me. How was your trip?”
Me – “It was good. How are you managing your work? Did you apply for leave already?”
Di – “Working from home whenever I feel sick or uneasy. But I can work now. I will opt for leave after a few months.”
Me – “That is good.”
Next few days, I used to spend more time at the office than usual. At night, I used to sleep on the couch in the drawing-room. Even for the short period, I had to be at home, I used to stay in the drawing-room or the one room in which she was not in.
I was trying to avoid talks with her as much as possible. Thinking that she might be uncomfortable around me after my confession. But then the weekend arrived. mom was out for groceries and dad was out for business as usual. So Mom asked me to stay home to keep an eye on Di till the time she was back.
I tried to be in the drawing-room as much as possible watching TV. She entered the room and sat on the couch. It was strange as even she was mostly in our bedroom avoiding me. I looked at her and she smiled nervously. She was in her nightgown, with a tiny belly.
I was looking for chances to escape from that room and she was looking at me.
Di – “How was your week at the office?”
Me – “It was hectic. What about you?” (switching between her and the TV)
Di – “It was fine. I could manage.”
Me – “Ok.”
I continued watching TV and she looked at me again. I could see it from the side of my eyes, without turning at her.
Di – “Mannu.”
Me – “Yeah Di, Tell me. Do you need anything?”
Di – “Tell me one thing. Was it hectic at your office or if it was just your trick to avoid me?”
Me – “Hmm, Di. You know the answer.”
She bent her head and sighed.
Me – “I told right. It was better for both of us.”
Di – “Better in the sense?”
Me – “To avoid you getting into trouble. To keep you out of these unnecessary tensions. After my confession, you would feel uncomfortable with me around.”
Di- “You don’t need to be so hard on yourself. I am not uncomfortable around you.”
Me – “It’s not just that. You are married and my careless behavior would create troubles.”
Di – “It won’t. This will stay between us.”
I looked at her. She was looking at me without dropping her eyelashes.
Di – “It is not your fault. I understand.”
Me – “You will understand. Because you are sweet and understanding. But I am guilty. You love me with affection and here I am lusting on you.”
Di – “It’s ok. I understand what you are going through.”
Me – “No you cannot Di. You won’t get sinful thoughts as I do”
Di – “What if I say I did get those thoughts!”
Me – “You won’t. No, wait. What! What did you just say?”
She just kept silent and I asked her again.
Me – “Di, tell me. What did you just say?”
Di – “I just said that I did get those thoughts.”
This is the end of this episode and the story will be continued in the next one. Please share your feedback in the comments or mail to [email protected]